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To clarify, a dirt devil tour is similar to a whirlwind tour, except a little smaller and a whole lot dustier. We saddled up our four-door pony and headed east towards the famous gold-chocked westerly hills of “them thar” fame. We were bound for Montana and as soon as we crossed the border we found us a town of decent size for our first stop.

St. Regis is a town of approximately zero people, named after a river that was named after a saint. They say it was Saint Regis de Borgia, but even the Saint Encyclopedia doesn’t know who he is. Best guess I can figure is it’s actually St. John Francis Regis, patron saint of lacemakers, if you can believe that. (I struggle to and I’m the only one who knows I ain’t kidding.

I guess St. Regis had a better ring than St. Johnny. I disagree, but I also think The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack passes for brilliant cinematography.

Left: This sign says it all, and I really mean it, it really says is all. If you can’t figure out what they do from this million foot tall sign, you need more than glasses.

There are two big things St. Regis has to offer in addition to the east and westbound ramps of on and off varieties. There is the overdone gas station that operates under the name “St. Regis Travel Center, Restaurant, Casino, Espresso – Fudge – Ice Cream, Free Trout Aquarium, Gift Shop”… Catchy, I know.

But it really is a lot more than a gas station and convenience store. They’ve got a robotic puppet show that runs about every ten minutes, and it’s as good as the ones I’ve seen provided by restauranteur Charles Cheese. How strange and pleasing it is to find robo-critter music show provided free of charge just because you’re there to see it.

Next neat thing they have is the free trout aquarium, and it’s good only because it is free. It’s more than just trout, but not much. Neatest thing there is that they have a ring-shaped tank you can climb under to stand inside of. It’s like you get to be the custard filling in a doughnut tank of aquatic observation.

Above: You like trout? Trout they got. Other fish too, but it’s just kind of fun and silly that this is the attraction, that it works, and that spectators enjoy it as much as they do.

If you like kitsch, this is a great place too. You just can’t understand how big this gas station is until you see it. It’s really gi-normous, and the selection of random things for purchase (blinking key chains, anyone?) defies expectation, if not belief.

If you’re more interested in vintage-style coin-op rides, they’ve got a few of those among the art gallery in the center of the building.

Mention that you read about them on Perplexing Times and you can have a free small bag of popcorn and, for what seems to be an unlimited time only, they’ll give you one even if you don’t mention us. That’s just how special the offer is, and also because I think they just give them away for free.

Best part of all, they have bathrooms you can use if you want to and are capable. After the long drive, believe me, everyone is capable. I was relieved to be relieved, if that came out as right as I think it did.

Just down the road another couple blocks from the interstate is the official Montana State Visitor Center. They have the widest selection of those hotel lobby brochures you’ve ever seen, conveniently broken down by region within the state. You can browse ideas and areas, get advice from the very friendly staff who work there, and even get maps, travel planners and coupons to make your trip that much better, um, planned.

And if you tell them that Perplexing Times sent you, they’ll give you free brochures and advice. Again, this offer seems to be for an unlimited time only, so that’s something to bear in mind.

Above: On the surface this guys may look a little creepy, but deep down inside of them they’re actually terrifying robot men. It’s not a big deal though, they’re really entertaining, and it’s a free attraction that runs frequently, so just settle in and enjoy it for what it’s worth (which is still more than you paid.)

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